THC’s Halloween Piss Parade 2010

This year I saw a couple of comically scary costumes and I felt like I had to rant on them all. So here is the first of I hope an annual occurrence. Let’s dig in shall we. I’ll start with the costume name and then add my comments after. I’ve included links to buy all these costumes just in case the costume might strike you.

Sexy Elmo – There is very little sexy about this outfit. The crown jewel is the decapitated Muppet on top. Nothing about the rest of this outfit says Elmo whatsoever other than it’s red and furry. It actually looks like you murdered Elmo and wore his fur as a dress.

Sexy Big Bird – Again with the decapitated head. The leggings are odd. Big Bird is feathery not furry. The skirt is feathery at least.

Sexy Big Bird Part 2 – At least with this costume her face would be inside the head. Wait, I’m not sure that’s better. This ups the cartoony too. So I’m not sure it works for sexy or funny.

Sexy Cookie Monster – Oh the horror! How many Snuggies had to die to make that outfit? I’m pretty sure you’d have to make nom nom nom sounds while you ate her cookie if you know what I mean. Furries gone wild!

The Count – The count is a pimp! This costume is limp.

Sexy Neytiri – This is not bad. You really need the wig to sell it though. The minimalist makeup works here, without going true blue. The heels totally make the outfit. Because all the Pandorans are wearing Manolo Blahniks now in the jungle.

Avatar Jake Sully – the male version of the costume however is atrocious. That mask makes you look like Smurf Steven Seagal.

Smurfette – Speaking of blue… While this may have been a fantasy of yours, any woman who wears this for you probably deserves you…

Smurf – …But not if you wore this costume. The model makes the whole getup look like SmashMouth smurf. Or Guy Fieri Smurf.

Sexy Leonardo (Blue) – And let’s continue with the blue theme once more with the blue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Only a girl. And more disturbing.

Sexy Michelangelo (Orange) – She looks pissed! I don’t think Orange is her color. She probably hasn’t gotten her pizza fix yet.

Sexy Raphael (Red) – I’m disappointed the boots don’t come with the costume. They make the whole sexy outfit thing. I’m not sure you’d be able to even find the right shade of hooker red boots.

Sexy Donatello (Purple) – You have to give props to the costume company for at least finding 4 different models.

Sexy Jason Vorhees (Friday The 13^th) – His whole costume is a hockey mask. Putting a hockey mask on a dress while also having a hockey mask as part of the costume is just stupid. Although you could just say you’re going as a Hockey Mom or a Hockey MILF.

Sexy Freddy Krueger – I think I would like it better worn by a sexy older woman – Let’s call her Fredi Cougar! While semi true to form with the stripes, this outfit is just scary…

Sexy Chucky – …but not as scary as this one! It looks like the lead singer from Paramore went all Lizzie Borden. I think this costume could also double for a Sexy My Buddy – now that IS scary!

Carrie – As a metaphor for girls going through puberty would you want to wear this costume? On the other hand you could hang a white string out of your ass and go as a tampon.

Snow White (Plus Size) – Because Disney princesses need plus sized love too! I noticed they carefully avoided the plus sized Little Mermaid costume, or as it had come to affectionately be known as “Lil’ Moby”.

Alice in Wonderland (Movie) – This costume is classy and a good representation of the movie…

Alice In Wonderland (Tea Party) – …this costume is trashy and a good representative of the prOn movie.

Jonah Hex Lilah (Megan Fox) – They have to mention the movie Jonah Hex because no one saw it, or else Lilah would not make sense to anyone. I believe you need to have a spray tan to rock this outfit though.

Mr. And Mrs. Potato Head – I would divorce my wife if she made me wear this.

Double Occupancy – Wow. Puppet hands and feet. This costume is… just wow. He kind of looks like Vince from the ShamWow commercials only the puppet is not black and blue.

Nightmare Before Christmas Sexy Sally – Nothing is sexier than a dead girl.

Holly Golightly – If you wanted to go as a dead girl this would probably work better. What, too soon?

(I had this image in mind actually)

Zombie Nurse – Or go all out with the dead girl theme. And here I’m not sure sexy works at all. In fact if you wore this to a Halloween party people would just think you’re dressed as The Joker who is in turn dressed as a nurse, only The Joker may be more pretty.

Skittles Tank Dress – I’m not sure I see the appeal, other than if you enjoy getting asked “Can I taste your rainbow?” a thousand times in an evening.

Twix Tank Dress – Or if you need a break, this costume could work. Of course the obvious pick up line here: “Hey baby, why don’t you break me off a piece?”

Snickers – As the male version of a candy costume you’d be a toolbag to rock this look while your girl is busy Snickering at how no other girls want you to satisfy them.

Toy Story Woody – If you’re wearing this you’d better have a whole fraternity of Toy Story buddies or else you’ll just be a creepy pedophile. This particular version is just sad. By yourself, and you’re a member of the village people.

Toy Story Green Army Man – but not as sad as this! Looks like a reject from a Blue Man Group audition “Not blue enough! Next!!!!”

Toy Story Buzz Lightyear – This is even more pathetic. If you’re with Woody, you may as well go full on homo….

Ace & Gary The Ambiguously Gay Duo – ….this set would be a much better choice for you! I have no further words here.

Princess Peach – Where’s the sexy version? With your hand on your hip and that swagger, it looks like you could rescue yourself!

Yoshi – This costume works best when Princess Peach rides in on your back. God forbid Mario rides in on your back. You might never walk again!

Mario – Speaking of that fat bastard, if you’re rocking this look you probably don’t even need the costume – you already wear it every day. I like how they have a fake inflatable belly, as if you’ll need it!

Marge Simpson – A costume I’m somewhat thankful that there’s not a sexy version for

Homer Simpson – Almost as scary as that CG artist who rendered Homer. Does not include donut – I’m heartbroken now.

Oh and here’s the CGI render to give you all nightmares.

Mona Lisa – This is the costume to rock if you don’t want to make usage of your arms all night long. I’m also not sure Mona Lisa was rocking the skinny jeans. Courtney Cox sure has seen some hard times since splitting with David Arquette huh?

Van Gogh – The male equivalent. Nothing says psycho more than cutting off your own ear. Although I would too if I had to listen to Courtney Cox (Mona Lisa) all day.

Beer Pong – from the dialing it in department. At least your girl gets to wear…

Beer Pong Babe – At least this I semi understand. Even though it’s not really dressing up as anything. Ping Pong Ball necklace? Yea ok. At some point balls will be in your mouth. “Don’t forget to wash your balls” printed on the front and the ass. Classy.

GI Joe Scarlett – At least put the model in a red wig! The blond in the movie is Cover Girl, a no name actress who had 1 line before she was killed by Zartan. I’m just sayin’.

GI Joe Sexy Cobra – Shouldn’t this be a Baroness costume? With that beret it just makes you look like Alyssa Milano as a French waitress.

Sexy Black Widow (Iron Man 2) – Probably the best costume I’ve seen so far. I’m not sure why they even have a Sexy moniker for this one as there is no unsexy version of the costume. I don’t see a plus size version though…

Where’s Waldo – Wenda – Again, where’s the sexy? This looks like a cross between Leonard and Sheldon’s girlfriends on the Big Bang Theory, and not in a good way. If you find this at your party, run far away!

Twister – Left Hand – Inappropriate? The model looks like Rachael Ray and Fran Drescher had a lesbian baby, not that that would be a bad thing. That hat looks like it’s totally annoying. You may as well put a pop-o-matic bubble up there, people are going to be touching it all night long (that’s what she said.)

Banana Flasher – …Speaking of inappropriate, there’s this jewel. The description calls back the old Gwen Stefani song (as if we needed the flashback) – “This costume is B-A-N-A-N-A-S”. “C-A-L-L-9-1-1!”

Sock Monkey – nothing says I’m not afraid of going home lonely than this costume right here. Or that pose. Seriously? Let me hook you up with the banana dude up there.

Sexy Bumblebee – This is a shame to all transformers fans out there. Shia LaBeef would be shitting himself if Bumblebee was a chick. Plus he was inside her, and now he can place his junk inside her? My head hurts just thinking about it.

Sexy Optimus Prime – Seriously, they put the windshield wipers over her titties? Pickup line for this one: “How about a hot wax?”

Princess Fiona (Shrek) Plus Size – This costume only works if you’re a plus sized model. Otherwise it just says your fat. And an ogre. No self esteem boost necessary here. Green Makeup would just serve to amplify those previous two statements.

Shrek – And then you could dress as this ass.

Donkey – Better yet save us all the trouble.

Predator – what kind of Predator has a T-Rex head?

Vampire Coat – Turn any black outfit into something more appropriate. Sadly this costume actually makes sense, yet I can’t imagine anyone being as douchy as this Edward wanna-be.

Lucy (Peanuts) – The first Mean Girl. Sexy legs and a cartoon head. This costume confuses me Arrrrrgh!

Snoopy – This costume is just a giant white suit with a helmet. Why is Snoopy eating this guys face? “Where my bitches is at?”

Charlie Brown – I’m going to go ahead and say you don’t need the mask to pull this costume off. A bald cap might help though. Oh and being white. Speaking of racial costumes here comes this doozy…

Isaac – the bartender from The Love Boat – Seriously, how many of these are sold to Wiggas?

Tony The Tiger – this costume feels like a waste of foam. I’d say it’s $105 too expensive. Just put the $4 box of frosted flakes on your head and cut out a hole for your face. Done. Plus you’ll also have some cereal to eat when you’re done.

Marcia (Brady Bunch) – This model probably look about as ugly as the girl you’d actually see wearing this costume.

Cindy (Brady Bunch) – For the Pedophiles out there they have this one. Hey wait is that the same model? Maybe it’s the same costume too after about 12 beers.

Alice (Brady Bunch) – Another clear case of the Men’s version being vastly inferior than the women’s.

Prince of Persia Tamina – From the costumes we didn’t ask for department. Almost as irrelevant as Lilah from Jonah Hex (I said it again in case you forgot). Also not as sexy as Lilah, so all around a forgettable costume. Plus the Sands of Time are sold separately!

Michael Jackson Smooth Criminal – Hey this Corey Feldman costume is really authentic! I don’t think it comes with pegs that pop out of the floor to anchor you though.

Hot Chili Pepper – I’m not sure if you’d be representing chili peppers in general or just Chili’s the mediocre restaurant with this $120 costume. That’s a lot of cheddar for this pepper.

Nem-Oh – Because Sexy Nemo wasn’t clever enough. Well at least the smell is probably true. This gets Lord Knight’s pick as best of the Sexy costumes. The short skirt says instant access. Just sayin’.

Sexy Pinnochio – Because this character was not a female to begin with. “Lie to me! Tell me the truth! Lie to me! Tell me the truth!” Wait, isn’t that supposed to be the other way around? Oh and when did Taylor Swift start modeling? Props to the review that makes mention that the top is see-thru, although I don’t think it’s intentional.

Inflatable Woman – This gets my vote as most disturbing costume of the year. Seriously, they don’t make dolls with only one input. I would know. That was a happy birthday! Thanks THC!

Garden Gnome – I actually like this costume. Too bad it doesn’t come with some of that mad Travelocity money! They need a Priceline Negotiator costume next.

Petting Zoo – This gem is special. Probably inappropriate for a school party… or any party for that matter.

LA Attitude – Fake Tattoo Shirt – how this is a costume escapes me exactly. Maybe for when you want to dress up like Ed Hardy? Or a gay Yakuza? Or maybe you just want to piss Sandra Bullock off.

Wild Thing (Wolverine ‘s Daughter) – A shameful excuse for a super hero. You’ll be forced to explain yourself all night.

Spider-Man (Plus Size) – Nothing says loser more than a fat Spider-Man. Spider-Man? More like Spider-Ham! Yes, I realize that’s a real comic, sadly. This model is putting his best foot forward and giving us his best web slinging jazz hands.

Jersey Shore Nicole Snooki – Is this even a costume or just a trashy dress? It should come with Orange Self Tanner. Also beware of people sucker punching you ALL NIGHT! Am I right?

Here’s the reminder, because face it, we all need it.

Jersey Shore Mike “The Situation” – This on the other hand is definitely a costume and it’s definitely bad. It needs…. Back Abs!

Little Man In A Pink Canoe – Why is he holding his hands uncomfortably on his junk? Probably protecting his junk from getting sucker punched from all the women offended by this costume. I get the double entendre, but it’s entirely not necessary. You won’t be getting any in this getup that’s for sure.

Spongebabe Squarepants (Plus Size) – Yellow, Annoying, and strangely fetching in that schoolgirl dress. To be fair, the schoolgirl look in plus size isn’t too bad… till you add SpongeBob. Plus isn’t a Sponge like a built in contraceptive? This costume says “Stick it in Raw Dog!”

Great Vibrations – Getting called Dildo all night must be your idea of a good time. Availability: One Size fits most adults. Care Instructions: Spot Clean. Oversized: No. Too many jokes here. Of course you could probably double as Gene Simmons’ tongue. 2 costumes in 1!!!

Hip Hop Homeboy – I didn’t know they made a Kevin Federline costume! $12.99 additional for the inflatable boom box? How much do I get for the loss of my dignity?